From the Sublime to the Ridiculous
This blog post is brought to you courtesy of 2 iPads, an iPhone and 2 add-on keyboards.
Well, where do I start? Possibly with my so called support worker blaspheming about the 2nd keyboard I’ve dug out of my bag this morning. Yes, that’s right folks I have 2 of them! My trusty iPad 2 3G state of the art about 4.5 years ago, recently joined by the iPad Mini, (mostly because it has Siri, Apple’s voice recognition software that is built into the iPad’s operating system) aimed to reduce my reliance on fellow human beings. This is all very well in theory, until you find yourself in a technological void and the batteries have gone in the 1st of your ‘qwerty’ keyboards. Such is my life. Parts of each appliance works, but no singular tool will complete a task for me.
This situation prompted several memories of similar technological faux pas. Some months ago I attended the British Sociological Association’s (BSA) annual conference in the lovely surroundings of Glasgow Caledonian University. This involved a mammoth train journey, the usual pre-booking of assistance a week in advance and the finding of an accessible hotel room, all of which was going swimmingly until I found my way to the taxi rank. A very pleasant man asked if I could get out of my chair and into his taxi, to which I responded, “No, I need the ramp.” It is worth pointing out here that there was a beautiful fleet of white hackney carriages, relative bliss compared to where I live. The man dutifully got out with a perplexed look on his face brandishing a large key to open up the floor to unfold the ramp. He had never done this before and I was developing a sense of impending doom as he couldn’t do it now.
The ramp made an unhealthy, creaking noise sounding rather like a badly worn, octogenarian hip joint. The result had a definite contracture in the middle of it that should not have been there. The whole car looked as supple as me on a good day. He was able to manhandle me up this undulating ramp into the back of his vehicle, then came the need to fold the ramp back up into the floor. Well that just was not happening. I suggested he wedged of the 3 sections against my wheel, so he could shut his door and take me to my destination. Having got in there, I was not about to give up.
We did this and I arrived at my hotel in 1 piece. He unloaded me in the same, ungainly manner and I left him to the problem of folding his ramp back up into 3 and into the floor. I was sitting in the hotel reception, when I heard banging followed by a string of expletives. Rather embarrassed, I said to the receptionist and queue at large, “Terribly sorry, I seem to have broken his car.”
However, this was all nothing compared to what I had to do to get into my support worker’s grass-green, 3 door, Vauxhall Corsa. To embark on a journey in this vehicle I would stand, bodily hanging over the passenger door whilst my colleague folded my chair and slotted it behind the seats, I would then sit in the seat, bring my knees up to my chest, while my support worker lifted my feet into the car (sometimes having to force the issue a little). Once the seatbelt was on, I was comfortably situated with my knees rammed against the dashboard and my nose practically on the windscreen. On reaching our destination, the above description was applied in reverse. This was done on a weekly basis for around 4 years; ‘needs must when the devil drives’ and drive me he did! In fact, I think this qualified as suffering for one’s art.
I got into my university library this week in the most unique manner possible. There is something about universities where, at the end of term, they become building sites. At least ours does anyway. Every year around this time I begin to get a feeling of dread; my well-practiced routines will inevitably be disrupted by this maintenance work. This time my usual place of study is being renovated to become a teaching area, gone are the comfy sofas, coffee lounge and TV with rolling news. For years my only access to the news as it happened was in this coffee lounge. I have had to find a new haunt.
There are tables and a reading area in the library itself, no cups of tea and cake, but you can’t have everything. Disaster struck this week when I arrived to find a group of workmen busily digging up the tarmac and roping off my usual entrance with tape. Ever intrepid I found the side door and made my way to the lift that allows you to access the main counter; I found it, presenting in the 1st floor position i.e. above my head, with the buttons flashing different coloured lights. I have to say, more in hope than expectation, I depressed the button that should make the lift descend, no response. I prodded a few other buttons just for good measure, then asked a passing member of staff what to do. “Does it have a plug you can turn on and off?” I asked, thinking of the many times my digital TV box had done a similar thing. We found a switch, but nothing seemed to change except perhaps the noise it was making became subtlely different. Ever helpful n the face of my adversity, a staff member went to ring the maintenance department, apparently to turn it on and off required a special key. I sloped off for a cup of tea while he and the key were found and put to use.
Anyway as I said at the beginning, this post may have taken 5 appliances to produce along with a good old dollop of ingenuity, but we got there in the end. What can I say? The world loves a trier. We just have to make this thing go live now, see you in a day or two.